The Good Selfishness

Self-care.

“Oh sure,” (you might be thinking), I’ve heard of that…That’s the trendy need to journal every day.  Or Meditate.  Or do yoga.  Breathe deeply.  Listen to folk music.  Eat ‘clean.’  Get 8-10 hours of sleep….Carly, you’ve written about this before, right?”

Yes, you got it!  That’s self-care!

… at least it is for some.

Self-care is so much more than the few items listed above, because as you may recognize, self is the larger piece of the pie.  You get to be the one to decide how it looks, when it happens, and how often.

For yourself, specific practices that create a personal sense of nourishment may look like a variety of different things, and possibly quite different than your sister’s or your friend’s own arrangement.  What’s more, your own mix of self-care routines will likely change over time.  As we grow and change, often our focuses do as well.  As these practices develop, we’re offered the opportunity to see if they are still acting as methods of real self-care.  That is: are they allowing us to nurture ourselves under our current circumstances?

Many moons ago, when I was a 20-something living in the city of Boston, I began a yoga mat practice as a means of self-care.  Though, truthfully at the time, it was really because it was snowing all the damn time and I wasn’t about to take my inconsistent jogging route along the Charles River in the middle of February.  The physical idea of yoga excited me.  The potential for exercise is what brought me there.  And, during the last 10+ years, yoga has stayed a consistent self-care practice, for which I am so, so thankful.

Yoga remains a part of my self-care routine in addition to its physical benefits, of course.  It is truly a high-value attribute of my life.  It is a means of spiritual connection to a higher state of consciousness that I feel surrounds me, as well as a deeply centered point of self.  A sense of True Self.

I believe strongly in this concept of true self, and explore it with clients/students nearly every day.  How do we cultivate this?  How do we honor this?  And yet, I too, live in my human experience, sometimes struggling to remember my inner light.  I dismiss it from time to time, due in part to a highly technological world we live in.  Because of social media.  Because of certain external expectations I make for myself to “stay & look busy.”

“I just couldn’t meditate when I have to attend the PTA or Gymnastics meet.”
“I can’t go for my usual run, because my partner was up all night with the baby.”
“I can’t get coffee with my friend, because I have to write an article for work.”

I smile as a write some of this.  When we were younger, my mom reiterated to my sisters and me that she despised the word “busy.”  “Under whose standards?  For what purpose?  To spread ourselves just how thin?”  And, thankfully (Mama), those adages have stuck with me.  For myself – through positively selfish activities (like yoga, breath work, music, and good eats), I access my own sense of success much more quickly.  I manifest positive feelings of where I want to land in my life.  I remember that the rat-race or appearing busy through the lens of certain productivity matters far less than feeling well.  The Good Selfishness(aka self-care) helps me with this.

If you’re still unsure about a self-care routine, can you ask yourself right now:  “Am I feeling well?” and come up with an honest answer?  Or, if your answer is “no” or “I’m not sure,” it might be a great time to check in with what entities consume your time and energy.

Here are some examples of what I have found lead to deficiency or depletion:

• A jam-packed work schedule
• Less than 5 hours of sleep each night
• Inconsistent eating/consistently turning to processed food for meals
• Drinking more than 10 drinks in a typical week
• Persistent negative self-talk
• Allowing for high negativity in your energetic space or physical environment
• Lack of movement in your body (exercise)
• Shortness of breath, gastrointestinal, or digestive problems
• Skin irritations or rashes
• Mindless social media ‘browsing’ (exceeding 3 hours/day non-work related)

In contrast, here are some examples of high-value attributes and self-care practices that may optimally support your growth and self-compassion:

• Deciding what kind of workload you can manage (that still includes maintaining healthy social relationships with friends and family)
• An intentional sleep-prep routine about 30 minutes prior to bedtime (perhaps meditation, body scan, technology turned off, essential oils, a sound machine, etc)
• Navigating appropriate boundaries of people/things in your life that support you and your experiences
• Moving your body at least 10 minutes/day (walking, running, hiking, yoga)
• Increasing your water intake (up to half one’s body weight in fluid ounces – aka someone 150lbs drinks roughly 75 oz/day, or 2.5 Nalgene bottles)
• Increasing the intake of foods high in Vitamin B3 (ex: tuna, broccoli, brown rice, asparagus, avocado, sweet potato)

One of my favorite quotes is from Adaptive Yoga Teacher Matthew Sanford, out of his memoir, Waking, : “Seeking begins when the options presented are unacceptable.”  If the options in front of you are limiting, self-defeating, depleting, or otherwise debilitating, know that it doesn’t have to remain that way.  You can start with yourself in small steps.  Whatever isn’t working well right now, focus on what does and how it serves you.  THAT is the self-care you can begin to use.  Tools we use externally can also improve our internal experience.

Be well.  Be kind.  Be selfish.